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1. |
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Dave:
That’s it - I’ve had enough of all your lies
You tit - your bad bluffs don’t make you wise
The story from O’Nory should have brought us glory
But he didn’t know that it would end gory
He spouted a legend - didn’t know it was true
I doubt he imagined he’d be blamed by you
Fog:
It’s not the story itself but what came after
Dave:
He got absorbed by a blob-
Fog:
-and incited some laughter
But I didn’t mean that - you’re forgetting the rest
The greed and the lust made the town possesed
They came from their hovels with their shovels causing
trouble
Spoiling all the revels as they struggled through the rubble
They smashed up our home and drank all my wine
Got mashed off their domes - the wankers, the swines!
Dave:
All of those adventurers paid for their crimes
Their madventure went bad: they were made into slimes
We’re very lucky to survive like we have-
Fog:
Unlike Trent who was killed by a cad
Do you remember Dave?-
Dave:
-How could I forget?
You never let it go, and I’m full of regret
But a Princess we met, and then interviewed
And I insist you upset her by being so lewd
It was your bloody fault that she hit us with the mad ray
It was you by default, just admit it, compadre!
Fog:
Piss off Dave, it wasn’t my fault!
You failed to convince her down in that Vault!
You’ve got fists of ham, you’re as meek as a lamb
You clam when a gram of shit hits the fan
Bam! you failed the exam of glam
Cos she still burst the dam and released all the jam
Dave:
I see - Fog, your getting personal now
I can see you fretting - don’t have a donkow
At least I didn’t gamble away all our beans
Or have sordid affairs with buzzing machines
I’m an honest presenter, and a wasp dissenter
don’t care I’m not the centre of the world’s attention
Unlike you, I don’t seek the limelight
And I can drink a whisky and still tell the time right
Fog:
Your broadcast persona just gives you a boner
That you’ll never use cos your such a loner
Dave:
You’re a drunk in a funk and stinking like a skunk
You’ve sunk like a monk caught in a nun’s bunk!
Fog:
After all I’ve done for you this is what you think?
Quite frankly, Dave, your attitude stinks
Where would we be if it wasn’t for me?
Dave:
Back in the studio, drinking some tea?
If you hadn’t written that awful play
We wouldn’t be Vespula Vulgaris’ prey
Fog:
If you stuck to the script instead of ad libbing
I’d never have to give you such a bad ribbing
Don’t you dare try to take the moral highground with me
You’ve committed four murders - that’s high villainy
Shane, Goff, Trent and one more:
Jobsworth the ghoul - and that totals four!
Dave:
Alright alright! There’s no point dwelling
I don’t want the shit that you keep smelling
And I wish, I wish, I wish you’d stop telling
Every single person we ever meet. It just goes on and on. On
and on and on. And on and on and on and on. And on and on
and on and on-
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2. |
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Everyday I look at you and hope you’ll look at me
Am I insignificant like a tiny little flea?
You look so bloody lovely with your fuzzy furry knees
Your great big eyes like dinner plates, dotted with some peas
Meet me at Mog's, I’ll wait behind the dustbins
Meet me at Mog's, can’t you see I’m being trustin’?
Meet me at Mog's, I’ll wear my carrier bag jacket
Meet me at Mog's, my pants are made of crisp packets
I’m scared that when you see me that you’ll find me quite disgusting
My bum is where my face should be and things round there are crusting
But if you look between my legs you’ll find the biggest smile
And several massive penises - independent and mobile
Meet me at Mog's, I hope to see you there
Meet me at Mog's, my diseases are quite rare
Meet me at Mog's, I’ll cover up my head
Meet me at Mog's, and if you don’t I’ll go to bed
Even though conventionally you’d be considered human
I have a proposition coming, hanging, maybe looming,
I’d really like to take you out for a lovely cup of tea
And take you to my little shack to mutate with me
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3. |
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A long time ago - right before the Big Bangs
He was a squishy person just like you
He sneezed so hard his skeleton flew out of his nose
But all those crazy scientists knew what to do
They put his brain inside a body made of metal
And then replaced his skin with neoprene
They gave him laser eyes and giant pogo stick legs
But they couldn’t change the fact that his mind was obscene
I’m better off in a robot body
You’re better off in a robot body
Gargle cement in your robot body
Make girders bent in a robot body
Punch through a tree with my robot body
I don’t have to wee with my robot body
I’m better off in a robot body
We’re all better off as machines
He’s wandered the wastes for over two hundred years
Getting drunk on engine oil
He has a predilection for mechanical things
In his wake he leaves rusty tractors despoiled
He can’t remember love because he hasn’t got glands
Even though his looks can kill
He does the best he can with his titanium hands
And had his penis replaced with a pneumatic drill
I’m better off in a robot body
You’re better off in a robot body
Got no pubic hair on my robot body
So I wear wig there on my robot body
You can fuck JCBs in a robot body
No venereal disease in a robot body
I’m better off in a robot body
We’re all better off as machines
I don’t know who I am at all any more
I am a noble can despite my many flaws
Stop calling me the Tin of Spam I am
Drinking oil every night to forget but yet
Sometimes I want to end my life inside this shell
Find an opener of tins and get me out and about
You say I’m as mad as a dog in a cattery
You don’t know the pain of my overcharged battery
He has no emotions at least that’s what we think
He’s a bad man with no cares
He does as he pleases - spreading diseases
To the AI bots who download his software
So if you think you’ve seen him wandering out of the muck
You’d be wise to keep away
And never dress yourself up as a pick-up truck
Cos his programmed brain always skips the foreplay
I’m better off in a robot body
You’re better off in a robot body
Nuclear stuff in my robot body
Oiling it up - my robot body
You can plug into my robot body
Dripping with sin yeah my robot body
I’m jacking off in a robot body
We’re all better off as machines
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4. |
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As I was shaving my hairy toes
I felt something attack my nose
I nearly gagged upon the smell
An odour from the arse of hell
My wife and kids ate all me beans
Til they were bursting at the seams
From their bums a great explosion
Caused a storm of foul corrosion
I lost my temper I lost it quick
I lost control and I was sick
My eyes were streaming, my lungs in pain
From my family’s hurricane
Once they’d popped they couldn’t stop
Jets of air that smelled of plop
They blew the pictures off the walls
And potted all me snooker balls
They turned the milk, they soured the cream
Honestly, it was obscene
They killed the mice and the parakeet
They even broke the toilet seat
I lost my mind, I lost my head
Another blast and I lost my bed
Around me scenes of much confusion
Nothing could stop the arse extrusion
I stuck my head under the sink
To find something to stop the stink
I held my nose, I held my breath
I very nearly choked to death
When I returned I did despair
My family floated in the air
Borne aloft on noxious fumes
They jetted off around the room
I lost me finger, I lost me thumb
Trying to cork me lover’s bum
I got one in, it went awry
She shot it out into my eye
I was blind, I couldn’t see
My eye fell out upon my knee
My wife let off with such a force
A wall collapsed and killed the horse
All of a sudden I heard a roar
My wife had blown off through the door
She flew headfirst through the window
Where she went I’ll never know
I lost my eye, I lost my horse
I lost my lover too of course
On top of that, additionally
I lost my fucking dignity
My daughter knocked me off my feet
With the gas she did excrete
She departed as she farted
And flew away to lands uncharted
My son shot up and disappeared
Plaster fell around my ears
A final burst he did expel
And smashed right through the roof as well
I lost my son I lost my daughter
I hope they landed in some water
My heart filled up with despair
My lungs were gasping for some air
I knew some action I must take
It was then I made a grave mistake
I lit a match to clear the fumes
The neighbouring village heard the booms
Now they call me Crispy Tom
My wife and kids and house are gone
Save your beans to buy some food
But never eat those damn legumes
I lost my beans, I lost my wife
I lost my house, my kids, my life
Now my future’s full of pain
From the Linton Hurricane
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5. |
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We will bathe in the afterglow
And build snowmen with the fallout snow
Our blood is poison our brains are mush
All our pubes have left the bush
Naked hairless gleaming skin
Clothes made of the bags from bins
All our friends have extra legs
Some give birth but some lay eggs
I want to be a super mutant
That is why I drink pollutant
and water that’s irradiated
No wonder I’ve never dated
Growing scent glands like a skunk
Extend my nose like an elephant’s trunk
Have some elbows sprout from my thighs
And in my armpits a pair of eyes
My body feels manky like something in a hanky
My bones are brittle - do you feel it, Lower Spittle?
Don’t do what I did cos you’ll soon be reminded
that you can’t choose mutations that’ll bring congratulations
Every day the sickness thickens
My flesh melts, and the pace does quicken
More and more like a ghoul I seem
And for some reason I hate ice cream
My body’s wrong I have no doubt
Upside down and inside out
I’m afraid that if I sneeze
from my nose will come my knees
Last time I tried to use the loo
I lost my liver and a kidney too
I picked a shovel off the kitchen floor
My sphincter broke and I lost some more
When I climbed into my bed
My tongue fell out and then it said
“Radiation never pays,
We’re all going our separate ways”
My organs dissipated and my body separated
Each part an offender that had its own agenda
My brain is lonely like a single ravioli
Left on a pillow like a shell-less armadillo
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6. |
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There’s something in the bushes - oh I do beg your pardon
It’s Old Mr Spoctapus hiding in my garden
All his vicious vegetables escaped from their cages
They’ve eaten all the workers - they chewed on them for ages
Now they’re on the prowl for another bit of human
They’re crawling in my garden and I am bloody fuming
That old fool Spoctapus has let them all loose again
We’re hoping for a miracle - or a gang of vegans
It’s not the first time
Won’t be the last time
I’d better mention
I call for an intervention
Coming through the hedges is bold little fellow
He’s trying to soothe the vegetables by playing the cello
Watching through the window as they all gather ‘round him
I have to look away as they begin to devour him
Old Mr Spoctapus is running for his life -as
A flock of asparageese are giving him some strife
I think I hear a knocking from my parlour door
I’d better let him in so he doesn’t get mauled
It’s not the first time
Won’t be the last time
Botanic tension
I call for an intervention
Swimming round the pond there’s a shoal of pea-rahnas
And sitting in a tree is a llama banana
The broccodile’s are hungry, the snarlic is snarling
The grizzly pears are here this is getting quite alarming
If we had a blender we could make a big smoothie
And sell it to the villagers and we’d all feel groovy
But as it stands now we’re the ones on the menu
If anyone is listening then save us I beg you
It’s not the first
Won’t be the last time
I have contention
I call for an intervention!
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7. |
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If you’re lonely and depressed
We’ll make you feel like you’re the best
You can ditch your family and friends
Secrecy pays dividends
We’ll teach you lots of secret things
Ancient powers - magic rings
Demons from the pits of hell
We know the tales and know them well
Join our cult, join our cult
You’ll be pleased with the result
It is good, spilling blood
Benefits the neighbourhood
Sacrifice, it is nice
Say it once and say it twice
Cut a heart out for your god
No not mine you stupid sod
We’ll take your beans and add them to
Our great perpetual pot of stew
We’ll feed you up and make you fat
- no longer like a starving cat
You’ll be renewed in body and soul
Your mind remains not split but whole
Devoted to the ancient cause
Your mind is ours, our minds are yours
Join our cult, join our cult
You’ll be pleased with the result
It is good, spilling blood
Benefits the neighbourhood
Sacrifice, it is nice
Say it once and say it twice
Cut a heart out for your god
No not mine you silly sod
You and I must have a talk
Come with me, let’s take a walk
I have to question your devotion
So I present to you the notion
that you must sacrifice your flesh
to the Gods of life and death
Bear in mind - if you refuse
Heretics must face their doom
Join our cult, join our cult
You’ll be pleased with the result
It is good, spilling blood
Benefits the neighbourhood
Sacrifice, it is nice
Say it once and say it twice
Cut a heart out for your god
We pick yours, you heathen dog!
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8. |
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Don’t look under my rug, ma
It ain’t a pretty sight
I done some things in my life
that’d give you such a fright
I got skeletons in my closet
I got demons in my head
I got eyeballs in my pockets
And donkows in my bed
Don’t look under my rug, ma
You don’t know what you’ll see
A raiders thumb, a bandits bum
A putrefied willy
How many times do I got to say
I done things I regret
But none compare, I do declare
To eating all your pets
One day they will realise mom
Yes soon enough they’ll come
They’ll take me to an old dead tree
And put insects up my bum
Then they’ll string me up, ma
They’ll hang me with a rope
I don’t care what happens to me
But I wonder how you’ll cope
I know you think I’m wonderful
But I’m really quite a dick
So don’t look under my rug, ma
Cos you just might be sick
Don’t look under my rug, ma
Please take my advice
Your heart is weak, your future's bleak
Don’t make me say it twice
If those bastards come for me
Then shoot them with this gun
You never know, it’s quite a show
You might even have some fun
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9. |
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Who the hell knows?
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10. |
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Some people like toned muscular bodies
Others are obsessed with tits
Some people think skinny people are hotties
But others like extra armpits
Whatever your taste we can all agree
That no matter what you pack
There’s nothing quite as sexy
As a lovely round belly back
I have a friend who is really quite hot
She makes people swoon when they see her
But most other people think she is not
Her appearance belies her demeanour
A circle of limbs surrounds her form
Arms and legs like a spider
Her eyes she has eight and she walks with a gait
That disguises the love deep inside her
Some people are cruel, some people are stupid
But they are not touched by a mutated cupid
Some people are wicked some people are thick
Well they’ve never seen a medusa dick
Sometimes humans are particularly snotty
Have they no brain in their bonce?
If you were a mutated hottie
You could be fingered in twelve holes at once
That’s not to say non-mutants are boring
They still have a modicum of fun
But the thing I am indeed imploring
Is that ten options are better than one
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11. |
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Oh my woman, don’t you play your games with me,
I said oh woman, don’t you play your games with me
Chess is mighty boring
And dominoes just ain’t for me
Oh my baby, I just want to go to sleep
Oh my baby, please just let me go to sleep
I told you I don’t like hopscotch
It plays merry hell with my knee
Oh my lady, I found out about your vice
Oh my lady, I found out about your vice
You’re a full on dungeon master
Playing with twenty sided dice
Bridge
Mousetrap, Cluedo, and goddamn Monopoly
Oh Mousetrap, Cluedo, and goddamn Monopoly
You’re a ruthless no good winner
And you cheat at Pictionary
You tried to make me play a round of cards with you
You tried to make me play Hungry Hippos with ya too
I just want to make love to you baby
But instead we’re playing Buckaroo
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12. |
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I saw you in the street with your beautiful webbed feet
I want to say I love you but my mouth is full of flies
I like your lovely tongue it looks lots and lots of fun
and I want to say I love you but my mouth is full of flies
There’re many frogs I’ve had lying on my lily pad
But I think that I’m in love and my mouth is full of flies
I wonder if I seem as radiantly green as you
and i want to say I love you but my mouth is full of flies
So its one more time around and there’s only one more sound
I want to say I love you but my mouth is full of flies
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13. |
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You are my one and only in this dreadful place
I like to gaze upon your manly face
I know that we will have a happy day
As long as you do exactly what I say
Gary, your eyes they shine like burning stars
Well that's what you get for drinking in Mog's Bar
I give you drugs so that you don't get diseased
It stops you running too, which makes me pleased
How I love you so...
You can never go....
'Cos I'll put you in a box...
Covered in a thousand locks
But there's only one with the key-
YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE ME
Remember the time you tried to run away
You lost your hands to me that very day
Try again and your feet will have to go
I'll push you about in an old wheelbarrow
How I love you so....
You can never go...
'Cos I'll keep you as my pet...
A pet that makes me wet...
And if you want to run from me -
I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND DESTROY YOU, YOU GREASY LITTLE SHITMONK
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14. |
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Incoming like a bomb to a town near you
We’re gonna get your mom and drown her in a stew
I’m a cannibal with mandibles thinking in diagonals
Don’t cage me like an animal I’ll bite through all your manacles
Anything that’s tangible I consider valuable
I’m radical, I’m slick, I’m a random encounter
I click with the sickness like a Geiger counter
My donkow kicks us when I try to mount her
I’m a sprinter, a splinter, a nuclear winter
I got more jams than a pre-war printer
We are called the Nasty Bastards
We play the raiding game
I thought we were the Spittle Spitters?
Please stop changing the name
I'm Mr Lovely - it’s very nice to meet you
Don't get on my bad side cos then I'll have to eat you
Don't be fooled by my sophisticated rhymes
Er blah de bloo bloo committed lots of crimes
We ravage, we pillage, we’re coming to your village
We’re gonna get all up in your grillage
Grinning like a Cheshire, professor of leisure
I dress to impress I use imperial leather
I'm only here because of peer pressure
I can spit rhymes like MC Escher
We are called the Kinky Riders
we’ve changed our name again
No, we’re called the Devil’s Spiders
We’re keeping it the same
Got a gun in my pocket and a knife in my belt
I can fart like a rocket and make your eyes melt
Cos I'm a mutant bruiser muscles like an ox
A polluting cruiser who’s spreading the pox
I’ve scale on my skin I’ve a tail on my chin
A dorsal fin and don’t mention within
Stomach of steel, but I’m real and I feel
Like a meal of seal or veal would appeal
That’s the deal or maybe you’d be ideal
An ordeal so unreal with my hands on the wheel
We’re now called the Bloodless Crisps
But they’re already a gang
Oh. So we’re going to have to change it
I suggest The Boomerangs?
We’re the baddest motherfuckers from shore to shore
Ain’t that the truth - no wait - I’m not sure
I’m a bandit - I want a lick of all your beans
Better hand it over or we’ll stick you in the spleens
Don’t wanna complicate or irradiate
I can see you ain’t an inebriate
With your beans on my plate - you’re too late - those I ate
that’s my trait - contemplate - that if you or your mates
keep on spitting complaints you should anticipate:
I’ll be forced on a course that you can’t mitigate
Let’s be called the Spittle Slicers
No, that’s a stupid name
How about the Poison Vipers?
That’s also pretty lame
I’m a sniper: I always hit my mark
I can shoot the beak off a motherfucking hawk
I’ll loot your street - or another - in the dark
I’ll shoot your feet so you dance around the park
It’ll suit the beat this emancipating lark
This fruit is sweet, an irrelevant remark
I’m a raider but - I get the weekends off
Where I like to bake cakes which then I scoff
I’m a flake with a rake when I try to play golf
With my mates they were great - the late Shane and Goff
We are back to Nasty Bastards
But we’ll probably change it again
When we finally settle on one
We’re going to shoot to fame
We’re from the streets but the fame won’t change us
Our mums are sweet but we’re plain outrageous
Don’t need the beans or the witches or the power
We’re quite obscene - all our riches we devour
We promote hygiene - it enriches and empowers
Gotta keep it clean or it itches in the shower
We’re relentless, unstoppable, probably improbable
Demented, unlovable, poppin' all your probables
Think you’ve seen it all with the other raider gangs?
We are the meanest of the lot since before the big bangs
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15. |
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Princess, princess
We’re going to see the Princess
There is no master
Only the mistress
Snap our bones and melt our skin
Change genetics deep within
Make us great and big and strong
Make our teeth all nice and long
Princess, princess
We’re going to see the Princess
There is no master
Only the mistress
Make us long and short and fat
Give us different shapes of twat
Some like slugs some like giraffes
Some she made just for a laugh
Princess, princess
We’re going to see the Princess
There is no master
Only the mistress
All of us have been reborn
Now we're ready for new dawn
She made us all incestuous
But she is still Princess to us
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16. |
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I used to be mean, hateful and spiteful
The things I said were admittedly frightful
My reign of terror soon came to an end
When I lost my job and all of my friends
I shot a kitten with a laser rifle
And hid the body in my sister’s trifle
I smashed my neighbours noisy guitar
And kicked the head off her budgerigar
Can you feel the love now
Don’t give in to hate
Just do the right thing
Be nicer to your mates
Never again will I be such a twat
Picking on folks like an aristocrat
I learned something that can cure all woes
I’m full of love from my head to my toes
When raiders visit your farm or your village
Don't just let them ravage and pillage
If you be kind then they’ll get in a muddle
That’s when you pounce with an assertive cuddle
If you know there’s trouble
Don’t sit there and sob
Just love everybody
And don’t be such a knob
I used to believe that I needed weapons
To save myself from the monsters and scrivens
But when they came for me in my bed
I sucked them off, I gave them head
When bandits come full of rage and hate
I sit them down and give them cake
Whether you're clothed or in the buff
Remember
All you need is love
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17. |
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The first time that I saw you I just knew that I’d adore you
A sleeping stud lying in the mud
I put you in a sack and then I chucked you in the back
The cart carried you and my heart did too
I saw your eyes were open my throat began a-chokin’
You tried to get away and I convinced you to stay
Nothings more persuasive than a feeling that pervasive
Your fear is my friend with it your will I can bend
Deep in my heart I can feel a little flutter
When you look at me I melt like butter
You look so cute and sweet
You really knocked me off my feet
I’m so glad I dragged you outta the gutter
Nothing gets me going like a piece of skin that’s showing
You can do no wrong whilst you’re wearing my thong
Nothing gets me hotter than you dressed up like an otter
I get ants in my pants when you throw me a glance
I can see you thinking when your eyes begin blinking
I know its time to put you back in line
I like to keep berating - with my drugs I keep sedating
Oh, you are my toy, just admit it my boy
Sometimes I feel that you don’t really love me
If we were on the edge of a cliff I think you’d shove me
But if that were really true
Then I’d be afraid of you
And with no legs you’ll never stand above me
I think its just the ticket when you’ve got a sticky wicket
I think its swell to keep you down in the well
Nothing gets me wetter than a branding with a letter
I’ll go with a ‘p’ cos you belong to me
If the rules you don’t remember - you’ll remember you’re dismembered
You looked kinda bland with both of your hands
If you cause a complication then you’ll undergo castration
And I’ll pickle them too as a reminder to you
I cannot live without you sitting at my side
If you ever ever left me then I’d die
Just slump right there and drool
You still make me feel the fool
But leave me and you’ll be buried alive
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18. |
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Here’s a reminder if your memory is hazy
Although we’re very agile we are also rather lazy
And just because we eat a lot and might be getting fat
Please don’t forget to feed the cat
We require three course meals spread throughout the day
Breakfast, Brunch, Elevenses, Lunch, Dinner and Buffets
Followed by Tea and Supper and a midnight feast
So don’t forget to feed us or you’ll wake the sleeping beast
Wrrrowwl! Our tails are quite expressive
Wrrrowwl! And we find nothing impressive
Wrrrowwl! We’re always landing on our feet
Wrrrowwl! And we play with our meat
Don’t just stand around whilst we laze upon the floor
Lick our fur and stroke our ears and clean our mucky paws
Feed us cream and caviar, tuna steak and more
Disobey or run away and you will feel our claws
We’ll hang you by your ankles so that you can dangle string
Or strap a feather to your head - we’ll chase it as you swing
We’ll dress you up as little mice and torture you all day
We’ll break your legs and laugh at you trying to crawl away
Wrrrowwl! We’re cuties but we’re naughty
Wrrrowwl! And sometimes very haughty
Wrrrowwl! Evil prong’d are our males
Wrrrowwl! And we’re worse than killer whales
So never forget if you’re a servant of a cat
Remember your place or be treated like a rat
You’re born to serve and we are born to rule
‘Cos you are very soft and we’re sharp clawed and cruel
There’s nothing as exciting as splitting open skin
And seeing all the bits inside wobbling within
We’ll take your bloody guts and bones and leave them on the mat
So just remember, never, ever, forget to feed the cat
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19. |
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As I was a walking one morning in may
I met a young maiden who was going my way
She had a head like a dustbin and a body to match
Her chassis was flawless - not even a scratch
Her diodes were blinking and winking at me
Her L.E.D screen flickered quite crazily
Then all of a sudden she turned her head
And opened her mouthpiece and suddenly said
zero one zero one zero one one one
zero one one zero one zero zero zero
zero one one one one zero zero one
zero zero one one one one one one
I was bewildered cos I don’t speak in code
She might as well spoke in the language of toads
She started swinging her girder like arm
And emitted a noise like a fire alarm
I thought this romantic so took her left hand
And planted a kiss, but she didn’t understand
Out of her fingertips oil she did spray
Blinded were my eyes when she started to say
zero one zero one zero one one one
zero one one zero one zero zero zero
zero one one one one zero zero one
zero zero one one one one one one
I did the only thing I could have done
I asked her to marry me and build me a son
She seemed quite moody and blew out some steam
And spoke in some glitches that I guess were obscene
Out of her chest came some paper right quick
Saying: “Look out behind you, you moronic dick
There’s a grockle all lurking behind yonder tree
Then she began singing again with some glee
zero one zero one zero one one one
zero one one zero one zero zero zero
zero one one one one zero zero one
zero zero one one one one one one
I asked her to shoot it, she shook her head no.
She stuck up her finger and asked me to go
I misunderstood so I took off my pants
Ignoring the grockle I asked her to dance
She called the beast over, and I had a shock
For it suddenly lunged and then bit off my cock
I cradled my stump as I prepared to die
She swiftly departed and sang to the sky
zero one zero one zero one one one
zero one one zero one zero zero zero
zero one one one one zero zero one
zero zero one one one one one one
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20. |
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Over the mountains and under the moon
You fed me broth with a wooden spoon
My lips so loose could not contain
The juices that leaked from my cabbage brain
My thoughtless gaze you did admire
My wordless mutterings inspired
I was yours, your own creation
Your sexy little crab, your lovely crustacean
You cut off my hands and feet
And wheeled my torso through the streets
My love for you was never true
I’m so glad I murdered you
I free you are me y
am now and a mor
Oh
But I must thank you Petunia
For with all of your royalties
I bought some brand new robot limbs and
glued them in place of what I lost
You chained me up for seven years
And gave me drugs to enhance my fear
But you’ll torment me nevermore
With your head on a pole outside my door
Now I’m back to being me
Oh what delicious irony
I keep a herd of fetid slaves
To dance when I DJ at my private raves
I’ll take revenge on this rotten town
Nobody helped me when I was down
I stole your methods, which then I mastered
Now the world will know I’m a bastard!
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21. |
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Bang bang bang
Crash crash crash
This is what you get
with Banger and Mash
We like to hit
We like to shout
I attack guitars
He likes to clout (drums!)
Banger and Mash
Banger and Mash
All the others are a load of trash
Banger and Mash
Banger and Mash
Covering this town like a nasty rash
When we wake up
We start to make noise
First with our bodies
Then with our toys
If we're too loud
They say turn it down
We shout fuck off
And chase them out of town
Banger and Mash
Banger and Mash
Covering this town like a nasty rash
Banger and Mash
Banger and Mash
All the others are a load of trash
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22. |
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Presidents, kings, ministers
puppeteers quite sinister
Despots, rulers, cruel dictators
(all of whom look like potatoes)
Measure cocks with mushroom clouds
All that hate you must be proud
All your threats they don’t scare me
I’m full of luminosity
Your invitation I do decline
To join the infinite sublime
I don’t like your principles
But thats ok - I’m invincible
Invincible - You’ll never kill me
Invincible - I’ll never cease to be
Invincible - I just can’t be harmed
Invincible - Cos you’re scared to drop the bomb!
I met a girl as sweet as pie
She was scared that she might die
All her friends and family too
Terrified of fiery doom
I said look here girl don’t be afraid
of all those silly bombs they’ve made
You’ll not hear a descending whistle
Because they’ll never fire a missile
They’re all scared do you know why?
‘cause if they launch then they will die
Their friends and family and those they cherish
All their loved ones, all will perish
Invincible - They’re never gonna get us
Invincible - They’re as scary as a lettuce
Invincible - Despite the tension growing
Invincible - We’ll keep the party going
All my friends have purchased bunkers
What a bunch of stupid clunkers
I won’t spend a single dime
Neither will I waste my time
Drop them go on I frickin dare ya
No wait I was just trying to scare ya
Everybody seems terrified
Of suddenly being southern fried
When all around me lose their head
I just dance around instead
When I go -
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23. |
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I look around and see this horrible world that we’re left in
All the pain and misery, the grieving and bereftin’
Everyone is poisoned or has been driven quite insane
Some try to feed me earthworms; some want to eat me brains
The world is out to get me, at least that's the way it seems
I just want to be left alone to chase my little dreams
To have my very own donkow and a toilet made for two,
And someone I can hug and kiss whilst sitting on the loo
And I think to myself
What a bloody stupid world.
What a bloody stupid world.
They all call me Miserable - I just see it how it is
How can I be laughing when the world just takes the piss?
What’s the point in smiling and exposing all me gums?
My muscles are so wasted I would have to use my thumbs
Once I tried to laugh but then I had an aneurism
I had a pelvic fit and then I couldn’t stop a-jizzing
When it was all over I swore I’d never again laugh
But still I cannot help it when I’m farting in the bath
And I think to myself
What a bloody stupid world.
What a bloody stupid world.
I’ve never had a girlfriend, a boyfriend, or a fling
I’ve never had a finger inserted in my ring
I know that I am miserable, but still I want to love
The closest thing to a partner is my leather wanking glove
The world is changing slowly and it’s leaving me behind
No-one wants a useless lump of sentient pork-rind
But if I close my eyes I can live inside my mind
And rid my private world of all of humankind
And I think to myself
What a bloody stupid world.
What a bloody stupid world.
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This collection is curated by Miserable Albert of Gamma Radio. He has collated the wasteland's "finest" songs from the dusty old collection of tapes he found lying around in the studio. He's even included the only song he's ever written, which in his opinion, is the best one on the album. He doesn't like any of the other tracks very much, but you might.
